After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. I showed her pure ignorance. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. She asked me questions. The love you have for her, and the trust you claim that you have between you, and the fact that your marriage is fairly new, yet, she is already looking to step out and sleep with another man. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. Click here to read more. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. My lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. Or will your spouse feel sorry for his or her lover? Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. But I would never answer the call. Youre just afraid to accept the facts. Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. Act absolutely normal with her, her relations, her friends, coworkers, and any mutual friends. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you That hurt. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. She will need to resolve her feelings. Then, I will confront her openly. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? Your identity and who you are has changed. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? She hasn't. So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. *If there is any money left, and after youve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing youve never dreamed of doing. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. Maybe you did this. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. lol! Part of HuffPost News. She is not the woman you thought she was. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. So i answered the phone. September 9, 2011 6.16am. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. This article will help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid conflict. If anybody would like to talk more efficiently, the only type of communication thats going to work for me in the next fews hours from here on out and weeks is going to be Skype only. Does it make a difference? Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. I know theyve As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. But that, in of itself is helpful. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. All rights reserved. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. Ive had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. That's for myself. been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. How do I confront her? If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. Never. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. People get ugly. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. If I confront him, we might end up fighting and it will be a disgrace to my children and family. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. It's all kibbles. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. This is easy. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Your funeral. You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. My only advice is get out NOW. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. She is being undeniably selfish towards you and your son. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. I cannot confront her in public. By Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. 3. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily . If she is And it might also be a pack of lies. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! Made contact. This was in June of 2017 . Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. Copyright PUNCH. I thought she was not worth my time! Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. It is my wife I have a business with. E. There are better women out there. . Youre awesome, happythoughts. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. 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Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. 1. It still hurts and I need to move on. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. *You are continuous and undying. Blessings to all the betrayed out there. Please log in OR register. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. What if you should meet up with her by chance? She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). What I noticed most about her was her voice. She wanted to share everything. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. Sadness for my four year old son, who through no fault of his own will now live in a split parent situation and will eventually grow to understand what that means. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. She knew I existed. I will confront my wife and not her lover. I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. I would highly recommend giving this a try. Confronting your lover's lover. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation.