In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! He refuses even to consider counseling. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Fair enough. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. 5. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Right? 2. . Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Not sure what youre talking about. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? Well, you need to stop that. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. Free housing! Is there a senior center in your community? For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. something random Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. ele4phant, Im with you. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? Raccoon eyes Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. . And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Skyblossom She needs professional care. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). What changed all of a sudden? Like other things in life, it has its problems. Those arent excuses. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. something random Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. ? Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. I just dont really feel that bad for her. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. May 9, 2022 by by . Oh, come on. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. 2. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. My mom put whiskey on my gums. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. 7. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Duplex is a great idea. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Why do I hate my husband? My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. Also. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. Probably not the last. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. . The issue isnt about hating your partner. Im with Wendy. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. She didnt know what she was signing up for. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. Its really not that hard. But who among us isn't? Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. The challenge to my marriage. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Talk about sweet! Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. He spends less time at home. No biggie. I just read your comment again. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. what were you doing on the counter?) For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. So let me see if I understand this. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. . Your spouse is your stepchild. something random Addie Pray Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. * June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. It ended up being the best thing for her. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. something random June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Seriously. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. Maybe she needs a more active social life. bricklink greef karga. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. A central . Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. Raccoon eyes But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. Its not easy, but its necessary. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. My MIL and I are not close. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. . You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. 6. I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? However, it doesnt always work like that. But who among us isnt? Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. I get that living there is hard for you. something random Of course this is family (a parent! Possibly. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more.